Stroke for a holy alliance

Pranab Mukherjee says the Third Front is like the Holy Roman Empire, which was neither holy, nor Roman, nor an empire. Though political hot air, the quip is vintage Voltaire.

The philosopher was a philanderer: he wrote satire and played the satyr. One of his amorous alliances was with his niece. Her first name, Marie, was his middle name, too, so either could pant, "Marie, Marie, hold on tight," as Eliot chanted in The Waste Land.

Voltaire flirted with Catherine the Great, who knew his works by heart. "Every writer in Europe ought to be at your feet," he flattered the holy Romanov empress. They never met, but kept up an intellectual discourse. For physical intercourse, the empress had an impressive number of lovers in St Petersburg. She bore their brats before and after dethroning her husband, Peter, who was no saint. The liberated woman denied that her son Paul, who resembled Peter, sprang from his loins. There was never a stranger alliance.

Paul ordered his army to march on India in 1801. Luckily, his courtiers killed him in no time. His son Alexander had an alliance with Napoleon, who suggested a joint invasion of India in 1808. Alexander was keener on impregnation of his mistresses while his wife, the tsarina, produced babies of her paramours. After Napoleon's fall, Alexander signed an agreement with Prussia and Austria to save Europe from revolution. It is called the Holy Alliance.

Modern politicians prefer unholy alliance. Theodore Roosevelt mentioned an "unholy alliance between corrupt business and corrupt politics" during the presidential election in 1912. He lost. A folded copy of a 50-page election speech in his pocket saved his life when a bartender, John Schrank, shot him in the chest. Schrank knew how to mix a tipple, but he missed the former presidential nipple. The speech cushioned the bullet, which settled in a rib.

The Communist Manifesto opens with an unholy ghost and a holy alliance: "A spectre is haunting Europe -- the spectre of Communism. All the powers of old Europe have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre." Marx and Engels wrote their first book, The Holy Family, four years earlier. The words 'communism' and 'communist' appear only half a dozen times in it.

These words were coined by John Barmby at age 20 in 1841. He founded the Communist Church in London, mixing Christianity with pantheism. Another 'communist', John Humphrey Noyes, coined the term 'free love'. In 1848, he founded the Oneida commune in New York, where any woman could mate with any man, and vice versa. For birth control, his Central Committee enforced coitus reservatus -- intercourse without ejaculation.

Stalin, the man of steel, frowned on rubber and founded motherhood medals -- a mighty stroke for the proletariat. This word comes from Latin proletarius, meaning the lowest class, who served the state only by producing children. 'Proles' means progeny. If you produce a lot, you are prolific.

Stalin controlled population by other means. He purged thousands to kingdom come. As Khrushchev confessed, Stalin killed 98 of 139 Central Committee members who were elected at the 17th party congress. The word congress once meant 'to walk together'. Later it signified sitting together for a meeting. Then it acquired the additional meaning 'sexual union', which is to lie together.

Voltaire inspired French revolutionaries. The handsome poet Byron fought alongside Greek revolutionaries in 1821. He worked on Don Juan while in alliance with Contessa Teresa Guiccioli in Venice. It was Italian custom for a young woman to take a lover with her husband's knowledge. The lover was called cavaliere servente, or cicisbeo. He escorted the lady to the theatre, read books to her and made love to her, to free the husband for his more pressing concerns. It was delightful division of labour. Byron, who bedded numerous women, was the contessa's cicisbeo for two years. May God guide our politicians to make holier alliances.

*This article appeared in the Indian news magazine The Week (http://www.the-week.com/) in March 2009.